A friend once asked me whether she had a drinking problem.
I have to have three glasses of wine a day!
But Ihaveto have them.
MILES AND MILESZimmerman is a writer and illustrator. Here, a typical day on the road with her daughter Holly. Illustration by Edith Zimmerman.Vogue, December 2024, Special Issue, Guest Edited by Marc Jacobs.
I told her I drank 10 glasses of wine a day, and then we both laughed.
We were bloggers at the time, living in New York, in our 20s.
Drinks after work were standard, nothing to think twice about.
Illustrations by Edith Zimmerman.
But her comment lodged in my mind.
Is it theneedingand not the number?
The itch?Of course you have to have them,I thought at the time.Its wine.Its perfect.
But then, in my 30s, I did quit drinking.
One morning in May of 2016, I woke up and wanted to stop.
The miracle was that not-drinking turned out to be easy.
I know this is not true for everyone, but it was true for me.
Giving it up felt like stepping out of an unflattering outfit, as simple as that.
I was done with it and on to the next.
The hard part came when I tried to figure out what to do with myself instead.
I found I didnt have any hobbies.
I had been a compulsive worker, a compulsive drinker.
Illustrations by Edith Zimmerman.
Illustrations by Edith Zimmerman.
I know this is a common feelingyou quit drinking and suddenly feel naked.
Who am I, what do I actually like?
Illustrations by Edith Zimmerman.
First I plugged the gap with murder thrillers.
Hours at the bar at night became hours in a cafe each morning.
And then I found running, which didnt have any obvious roots in my pre-sober life.
CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOPThe author out (for a walk) with her daughter Georgia. Photo: Courtesy of Edith Zimmerman
Id never been athletic and had mostly been intimidated by exercise.
This lasted until the pandemic hit and the sessions went remote.
A pain I want to feel again is how I put it to myself.
I was also high on how much I loved running.
Plus I had no pain or injuries.
(Those would come later.)
I dont have to lie about it or hide it.
It makes me happy, and it makes my life better.
And I dont understand the peoplemy friendswho run only once or twice a week.
Wouldnt you want to do it every day?
I also fight about running with the people in my life.
Or really just my husband.
(I also used the paid version where it’s possible for you to see who likes you.)
We matched, and I pretty much moved into his apartment a couple weeks later.
It doesnt make everyone as happy as you think it does, my husband told me the other day.
I have to make time to support it, so its not like there are no costs associated.
And I still run.
I still knit, watch ASMR videos, draw, and read thrillers too.
But running is different.
My life hinges on it, even though I know an injury could take it all away.
Freezing February air, invigoratingexactly what I wanted.
I knew I should take the following day to recover, but I couldnt resist going out again.
My foot hasnt been the same since, although the tenderness wears off after the first mile.
I still run because I dont really know what else I am supposed to do.
Like I want to turn my mind off but also merge with something bigger.
Which is the same thing I wanted in bars, with wine.
CANT STOP, WONT STOPThe author out (for a walk) with her daughter Georgia.
And its tempting to feel like my sober self is whole and healthy.
