I don’t remember much about the woman who changed my name.
Though something in me desires to call her Rhonda, I’d be lying if I said I rememberedhername.
When we got to the part about the birth certificate, Rhonda paused.
“I felt like having one blank box or question mark on my BABY TO-DOS list when my water broke would be a fate worse than any other.”
She pointed at me.
“So your name is Angelo.”
She pointed at my husband.
“And his name is Parker.
But you want the baby to be Parker, too?”
We said yes, this was right.
Rhonda looked at me, perturbed.
“The baby has to have the same last name as you,” she said.
“If you’re Angelo, the baby will be Angelo on the birth certificate.
If you want the baby to be Parker, you have to be Parker, too.”
As I key in this, I could almost laugh at how farfetched it sounds.
It sounds like something a witch in an Olsen-twins movie from the 90s would say.
It’s obvious, sitting here a near-decade later, that Rhonda was mistaken.
“You didn’t have to change your name!”
“Whotoldyou that?”
By then, it was too late.
I didn’t push back.
I didn’t investigate.
I flew into this-has-to-happen, just-get-it-done mode.
“Wait,” I said, as the agent swept the wisp of plastic into a bin.
“Can I actually have that back?
It’s just that it’smy name.”
And then I started to cry!
It seems like the kind of thing we can figure out later."
But the concept of later, when you are about to have your first baby, seems downright sinful.
I wouldn’t go as far as saying I regret changing my name.
I’m good with being one of The Parkers on my holiday cards.
My name still exists.
But I do regret the way I gave it up.
Everyone I tell my Rhonda story thinks it’s insane.
It is, except for one part, I think: the timing.
Studies done as recently as 2023indicatethat 79% of women take their partner’s names after getting married.
Some women have a personal preference to align with one’s partnerthat’s understandable.
What’s not is the default setting of the tradition.
Not until, if they do at all, children come along.
When children come along, thereareundeniable benefits.
Having the same name as your kids streamlines many parts, both formal and informal, of parenting.
However,whichsame name is not always discussed, in the runup to baby.
We think of household names as something settled, broadly speaking, at the wedding stage.
Grooms taking brides' names is so unusual,data on it doesn’t seem to exist.
I gained so much, but it was a lot to lose at once.
These days, when my changed name rings false to me, I just change it back.
Muscle memory is stronger than the mythical Rhonda.
It overrides unexamined tradition.
