Nightmare Before Christmas, by Lisa Kudrow, was originally published in the December 1998 issue of Vogue.
As it is for many children, Xmas was my favorite of all holidays.
But because my family is Jewish, we didn’t celebrate it.
Stevie Jean / Gallery Stock
(How pathetic: Having never experienced it, I still chose it as my favorite.)
Multicolored glowing lights were, I decided, the most beautiful adornment for a home.
I figured it would be like an Xmas tree, but Jewish.
And to me, the tree was the most wonderful part of the holiday.
Now, you must know at this point that we were not religious Jews.
Maybe we can get a bush, since we aren’t religious.
I decided to appreciate the effort my parents made in adorning our menorah.
Every year more of the glitter rubbed off.
I thought, OK, so then, this is now, OK,beautiful.
Don’t misunderstand, thoughI loved theninepresents I got to open.
Then, in 1993, I found myself dating Michel, who is French and not Jewish.
By October we were rather serious.
We’d been together for four months, and anything longer than two months was “rather serious.”
They’d always drink champagne.
Well, that was about the sexiest XmasI’dever heard ofvery Cary Grant/Grace Kelly-ish.
I knew I wasn’t ready for that.
But this I knew I could pull off with minimal guilt.
Is there anything that is (a) sexier or (b) more fun than room service?
Room service, in my estimation, is the best thing that could ever happen to a person.
As far as I was concerned, anything else I did for him was just gravy.
And the fact that I hadgiftsfor him made me an angel on Earth.
Michel’s birthday falls very close to Xmas.
Well, you don’t have to talk me into the idea that many gifts are better than one.
And how sad that his birthday was always overshadowed!
I also wanted to get him lots of gifts to open.
I asked him what he wanted and he said, “Binoculars.”
OK; so easy.
He liked golf, andallmen love electronic gadgety thingsit was perfect.
I also got him a very cool lathering brush for shaving.
I now had four gifts, and three of them were wrapped!
Then I found the best gift of all.
This was his cheese grater.
I ended up with half a teaspoon of cheeseridiculous.
But here, in this store, was an electric hand-held cheese grater with configs and a light!
This, I knew, would be his favorite.
“Oh, my beauty!
This is the most fun gift.
He loved electronic functional toys, and this was so functional.
Now he had four gifts to open!
They were different shapes and they all had different wrapping paper!
And, what’s more, they had a roulette game on the in-room Nintendo!
Are you kidding?I am Santa Claus making Christmas dreams come true!
“But we could have those things like you have at home on Xmas.”
“Oh, my beauty, no.
OK. Whatever makes you happy.
I just thought it could be like at home.
They have roulette here!”
I’m waiting for his eyes to light up, but they don’t.
Maybe he didn’t understand me.
So I jumped over to the TV.
“My baby girl, I don’t want to play video games.”
“But it’s roulette.”
“OK, but I still don’t want to sit in front of a TV.
It’s not like we played roulette every year.
Or do we have to wait till midnight or something; isn’t that how it works?”
“No, I can open now.”
Yeah, I think, now it’ll get good.
“These are all for me?”
“You are the sweetest one!”
he said, as he opened the first gift I handed him.
“Oh, binoculars!
These are very cool.”
“Here’s the next one.”
It was the lathering brush.
He stared at it, then very sweetly asked, “What is this?”
“For shaving….”
“Oh.”
“It’s a lathering brush.”
It’s a pretty one … but I just switched to an electric razor.
The straight ones are too harsh for my skin.”
“It’s pretty, though.”
“Well, here.”
I handed him the golf gadget.
Again, sweetly, “What is it?”
“It’s for golf,” I chirped.
“Oh, yes.
But what does it do?”
“It tells you how far you are from the pin.”
“You don’t like it.
But…”
“What?”
“You’re welcome.”
I didn’t know what to say; it was getting awkward.
“because you don’t like Xmas.”
That’s OK." In my head I was panicking: How do I fix it?
How do I fix it?
Then I remembered my sure thing: the cheese grater.
“Don’t forget this one,” I said.
He opened it, then said, not as sweetly, “What is this?”
“It’s a cheese grater!”
I have a cheese grater."
“But this one is electric!
And, see, there’s a light.”
This was when I was expecting a big, “Ohhhh.
This is so great!”
Instead he said, “Why do I need this?
And why does it have a light?”
“It’s electric”
“Is the light so that I can grate cheese at night?
What do they think, that I get up in the middle of the night tograte cheese?
that’s OK, because I’ve got this light on the cheese grater!”
“OK, fine.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand these gifts.”
We ate our food in awkward but polite silence.
“I’m sorry.
I thought I was making it fun.”
I sensed something elsean awful possibility.
It came to me in an almost psychic wave of realization.
All of a sudden, none of the gift stuff mattered.
That is not what bothered me.
I took a deep breath.
“Do you not like room service?”
Actually, I hate it.
I likemakingthe food.”
He went on a rampage!
But I didn’t hear anything.
I just thought, Wow, we’re not gonna make it.
We have nothing in common.
I like theAmericanbullshit of pretending to like a giftit’s civilized.
Then something struck me.
It was his tone.
It was so innocent, so sincere.
“I’m used to spending Xmas with family,” he said.
“My family, orsomeone’sfamily, in a home.
Having room service in a hotel on Xmas Eve is extremely depressing.”
I hadn’t seen it that way.
Of course it was depressing for him!
What had I been thinking?
It had all been for me.
And for me it was far from the ultimate holiday experience I’d envisioned.
All that stuff happens in the con- text of being surrounded by loved ones.
So all the religious holidays are about family being together!
Well, now Michel and I are happily married.
And since my son is halfnot-Jewish, my fantasy is totally appropriate.
My lovely husband can now have Xmas with his own little family.
And it’ll be great, whatever casino game we play.
