This year we are focusing on astrological forces.
Love is a messy and mysterious thing, but is your romantic destiny written in the stars?
Only there is one wrinkle in this rom-com-ready brief: I am also a non-practicing dater.
So far, this status has suited me well.
I very much enjoy my no-strings-attached life.
Lets dive in, shall we?
Well call my first date Cicero, the Cancer.
Cancers, symbolized by the crab, are notorious for being nurturing, protective, and moody.
Their soft-heartedness is not meant to gel with the logical, oft-aloof Gemini.
The sign is known for its attachment to their loved ones.
We greeted one another with a hug and placed orders for drinks.
Him: a beer-and-shot combo, me: some mezcal fruity thing.
His drink order recalled the messiness of a college night out.
Cicero was a friend of a colleague so he was clued into my little experiment.
Cicero wasnt looking for anything serious; he had gotten out of a multi-year relationship just recently.
But whatwashe looking for in a partner?
This fits the brief of a Cancer perfectly.
(Didnt feel too respectful, but noted.)
I nodded along with this though it seemed a non-starter for us.
I might have been the person he described, as my version of suburbia isMill Basin, Brooklyn.
Cicero walked me exactly one minute in the direction of my train before turning to walk home.
Homethe Cancers natural habitat.
Cicero was a crab in its shell.
(Cicero later Venmo-ed me $22 for his portion of the datea rather nice touch.)
I continued my tour du zodiac by heading into the land of earth signs.
Earth signs are known to be practical, reliable, grounded, and patient.
They are methodical perfectionists.
Beyonce is a Virgo.
My mother is a Virgo.
I know Virgosand I knew it would be an interesting foil to my Gemini.
I found Virgil the Virgo on Hinge.
Virgil was 32, a teacher (very Virgo occupation), and living in Long Island City.
He said that he would indeed like that.
It all seemed promising.
Virgil volleyed with me on Hinge about timing, raising some degree of alarm in my head.
We landed on drinks on Wednesday eveningLunar New Year.
As the minutes ticked on, I heard nothing from him.
8:30 p.m. came and went.
It was my first official ghostingespecially jarring as this was categorically un-Virgo-like behavior.
I was supposed to be the flighty unreliable one!
I was supposed to be the one who would flirt and exude delicious unattainability.
Who was I if I wasnt desired?
The next morning Virgil texted me, Total dick move not getting back to you.
I wont disagree but, surprising myself, the whole thing gave me a bit of a jolt.
For the grand finale, I went back to the beginning: a date with a water sign.
This time, I found a Pisces, who well call Pliny.
Even more than Cancers, Pisces are known for being the sign of the dreamer.
Pisces, symbolized by the fish, would be the water.
I tried something I didnt usually do: liking his Hinge page first.
What did he like to do?
How did he relax?
Drinking the kind of red wine that drinks you back.
Trader Joes on a Sunday evening.
It was all perfectly sweet and agreeable.
We landed on coffee at a cafe, midway between our respective apartments.
Pliny was early (!!!
), calm, and eager to chat.
Unlike what I would suspect for a Pisces, he worked in finance.
Much like what I would suspect for a Pisces, he had little stick-and-poke tattoos on his arms.
We chatted about general interests and pastimes.
Unlike Cicero, he enjoyed New Yorkers for their brashness and sense of energy.
He himself had grown up in Bergen, New Jersey.
To put it plainly, Pliny thought it was bullshit.
And while he didnt explicitly say it was girlish drivel, he certainly didntnotsay that.
If Pisces were meant to be dreamers, they mustve forgotten to tell Pliny that.
I was taken aback by how much he could hate something that was meant to be fun and self-reflective.
(I was.)
We finished our coffees and conversation politely.
He walked me to the train despite my protests.
Pliny and I were indeed giving oil and waterhappy to exist alongside each other but not mix.
You dont need me to tell you not to date solely based on astrological compatibility.
Dating is hard enough.
If the guy you like is a Scorpiowell, Im sorry, but dont fight it.
We dont choose who we love.
In dating, vulnerability is the cost of admission.
No amount of prediction or star sign interpretation can save you.
You will be surprised, confused, pursued, and yesghosted.
Heres looking at you, Virgil.
