Theres a reason we associate falling inlovewith being hit by Cupids arrow.
It strikes out of nowherea euphoric rush that burns into an all-consuming glow.
But falling out of love?
Photo: Leonardo Nascimento
For most of us, it happens far more slowly.
Falling out of love is very rarely an immediate event, confirms therapistAlex Banta.
It can sneak up on you over time.
Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver inMarriage Story.
Worse, you may begin to get the ick from virtually everything they do.
The spark that once made you sneak glances over dinner now feels dimmer, says relationship therapistHannah Reeves.
Or, maybe, its just gone altogether.
This can be confusing, guilt-inducing, and even terrifying.
After all, this person was once the light of your life and the apple of your eye.
Is there anything it’s possible for you to do?
Heres what you gotta know.
Those feelings produce the mood-elevating endorphin oxytocin, explains psychotherapistGary Brown, PhD.
It can be intoxicating and addicting.
That feeling can sustain for a few days, weeks, months, and even years.
But eventually, even the best drugs wear off.
This is completely normal, says Brown.
Other dynamics begin to happen; we discover that our new partner isnt perfect.
Ideally, the natural end of the honeymoon phase marks the start of something deeper.
The lust gives way to love; the passion becomes trust.
You feel more comfortable, more at ease.
The relationship enters into a whole new level of intimacy.
Its also the key to building a relationship that truly lasts.
The passion might fade, but the intimacy and closeness to the other grows, adds therapistAbby Wilson.
Comfort is like a worn-in sweater; falling out of love feels like youre outgrowing it altogether.
The signs of falling out love
Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver inMarriage Story.
An overall feeling of indifference.
When theres energy, theres something to fight for, explains therapistJanessa Borges.
Once people check out, its hard to work on the relationship.
That disconnection can manifest in physical ways, too.
That said, other signs can be more subtle.
Or, you may find yourself becoming irritated by the personality traits you once thought were cute.
In fact, it could even be the catalyst for something new.
Relationships are dynamic, and love is fluid, not fixed, says Mahlum.
Its normal for feelings to ebb and flow as we and our relationships change.
The first thing to do, then, is to get really honest with yourself.
Reeves recommends asking the following questions: Are you still showing up for this relationship?
Are you giving it the energy youd want your partner to give?
Sometimes, its less about the relationship and more about life, she says.
Stress, exhaustion, or forgetting to actuallydate your partnercan all mess with how you feel.
Also consider how youdefinelove.
Do you haveunrealistic expectations for your relationship?
Do you expect your relationship toalwaysbe fun, exciting, and filled with sparks?
What kind of partner do you want, and what are your deal-breakers?
Can you ever fall back in love?
Next, you might decide if the relationship is worth resurrecting.
Both partners really do have to be willing to put in the work, however.
It takes honesty, effort, and sometimes professional help, notes Reeves.
Its not always easy, but it can be beautiful.
Thats normal, too, Reeves says.
People grow and relationships cant always keep up.
It doesnt mean youre a failure or that love doesnt workit just means somethings shifted.
A tough truth, to be sure.
But as Reeves points out, a break-up can be an important redirect.
It frees you up to pursue something thats more aligned with who you are becoming, she says.
