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Have you ever spent a really long time looking at a diagram of butanoate metabolism?
Photographed by James Wojcik,Vogue, June 2003
Or wondered if your Firmicutes are producing butyrate?
Im a food writer, not a science writer.
Ive long been preoccupied by my colon.
But suddenly, everyone talks about gut health.
Scan your refrigerator for the word probiotic.
Brands are shilling directly to your bacteria!
Its like getting a star chart readingbut scientific!
Apparently, one cant (yet) go to your internist for a microbiome checkup.
Four tests I read aboutDayTwo,Genova,Labcorp, andCarbiotixneed a doctors prescription.
But others are sold direct-to-consumer.
Its an embarrassment of riches.
Cross-referencing reviews, I choose two,ViomeandZoe.
At a dinner party, I workshopped several euphemisms and found them all lacking in poetry.
Waiting for the tests to arrive, I read.
The belief that bacteria arebadis as outdated as bloodletting.
In the last 25 years, however, weve seen that our guts are brimming with beneficial bacteria.
(Also: viruses, fungi, archaea, and eukaryotes.)
Research in the last decade has revealed ever more intimate links between our microbiomes and all our bodily functions.
Weve currently identified one thousandth of one percent of all the microbes on earth.
Each microbiome is as unique as a fingerprint.
Theyre also catching: Research says our microbiomes can resemble those of the people we live with.
My test kits arrive in sleekly designed boxes emblazoned with slogans.
Zoes declares: Its time to start understanding your body.
In Viomes instruction manual, I read: Welcome to the next step on your health journey!
I buzz with anticipation.
(you’re free to exhale.
Its for measuring ones stomach bloat.)
Zoes test requires clients to eat two glucose-heavy cookies before testing.
The first I forgo after two bites, deeming no internal astrology worth it.
The other is robins-egg blue.
I pretend its Play-Dohwhich I used to enjoyand choke it down.
Like sneezing, and getting pregnant.
And…other things.
But let us skim nimbly past such details.
Eventually, two inconspicuous padded envelopes filled with relevant samples are dropped off to be mailed.
There are dozens of others, sequenced and identified.
I read Antoine my list of microbes, hoping for some thumbs-up or down.
Apparently, microbescantbe clearly defined as good or bad.
But wasnt that the whole point?
What about the rodents?
Those are just associations, says Antoine.
Theres no causal relationship there that were aware of.
Bacterial diversity should be high.
Otherwise, the list of microbes is just a courtesy.
Viomes technology focuses on RNA, providing insight into the actual function of my microbes.
I have a lot of Average.
My biological age is two years younger than my actual age.
I have red Suboptimal scores for Cognitive Health, Digestive Efficiency, and Gut Lining Health, among others.
My microbes, it seems, are falling asleep on the job.
Antoine tries to reassure me.
Your results were pretty good.
You had a couple of areas to work on.
Jain disagrees: Anything thats Average requires improvement.
Zoe sequences my microbiome using a technology called shotgun metagenomics, which maps DNA.
I prefer Viomes app and what my husband calls user experience.
But I prefer my results from Zoe.
My Blood Sugar Control is Excellent.
My Blood Fat Control and Microbiome Biodiversity are Good.
Theres some overlap, and some divergence.
Maybe my microbiome changed.
Maybe the companies use different datasets for identification.
Looking back and forth, it occurs to me that theres no standardized dataset against which to compare results.
Theres no universal terminology, no consensus about which variables matter and what causes them to vary.
More perplexing is what to do next.
Viome instructs all clients to avoid sugar, flour, soda, and cured meat.
(Each supplement pack arrives with my name printed on it, which is oddly flattering.)
Zoe doesnt sell supplements.
Suzanne Devkota, director of the Cedars Sinai Human Microbiome Research Institute, is even less ambiguous.
She recognizes the value in Viomes data.
But what to do about it?
We still dont know.
Because they arent FDA regulated, at-home microbiome tests cant diagnose anything really worrisome.
And only compare your data to yourself, and totally ignore where they put you on a plot.
I ask Alessio Fasano, MD, professor of nutrition at Harvard T.H.
Thats the $30 million question, he says with a laugh.
And to make a long and complicated story short: Its definitely a work in progress.
Its been several weeks since I started eating superfoods and gut boosters and (mostly) skipping avoid foods.
I refuse to log meals, and I plan to cancel my supplement subscription.
Im certain that my internal star map would look better if I tested it today.
