When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners.
Some of us, however, at least speak with authority.
Contact her atDearShonVogue@gmail.comfor your own chance at enlightenment.
How much should we be willing to extend ourselves for another?
After a lot of therapy, I feel I am now more self aware.
I tend to approach dating with an expectation that my next date needs to be the one.
I tend to dismiss people who I perceive cannot give me what I want or needis that healthy?
At least at the beginning, I want to feel the butterflies and the joy that people speak about.
Ilike being single,even though at times I feellonely.
How do I overcome this loneliness?
Is this a myth?
The queer people I meet seem to carry so much baggage.
Is it selfish of me to want them to have worked through this before we meet?
Am I the problem?
Or, phrased slightly differently, how much do we need to compromise to find love?
There is no such thing as the one, honey.
The idea of love as simply an overwhelming, transcendent feeling which makes everything simple is a delusion.
You write that not all relationships are easy.
I would instead proffer a different suggestion: thatallrelationships are hard work, at some point.
But this fun will give away to reality sooner or later.
Eventually, the other persons flaws will start to show, because theyre a person.
Long term, relationships cant be all butterflies and excitement because life isnt.
Your letter also reminded me of where I myself was at a couple of years ago.
This is not selfishness, this is self-esteem and standards.
This does not exist.
If you do want a relationship, there will always besomethingyou dont care for about the other person.
In my case, perfectionism is a defense mechanism that can come up when Im afraid.
If theyre not willing or youre not willing you dont really have a relationship.
Theres an element of luck about who comes into your life and when.
In short, I promise you that you are not the problem.
But, single or partnered, you are always responsible for creating your own solution.
