Looking back, the signs were there.
For one, he was kind of rude to my friends, Jess says.
And he wouldtotally shut downwhenever he got upset.
Photo: Millennium Images/Gallery Stock
Still, it wasnt until after theybroke upthat Jess realized she should have listened to her gut.
The red flags were there, but I didnt want to see them because I had rose-colored glasses on.
Whats a red flag in a relationship?
Thats the thing about red flags.
They can be easy to brush off in the moment, yet crystal-clear after the fact.
Love may be blind, but hindsight?
Not all red flags are dramatic or explosive, licensed marriage and family therapistClaudia Giolitti-WrighttellsVogue.
Some can be more quiet while still harming the foundation of ahealthy relationship.
Red flags in a relationship can, of course, also be subjective.
Red flags undermine trust and safety, leaving you feeling diminished or anxious, says Dissanayake.
How to tell if something is a yellow flag or a red flag?
Unfortunately, red flags can sometimes be slow to appear.
Plus, most potential partners are on their best behaviorearly on.
This is where yellow flags come in.
For example, you might be concerned that someone is habitually late and slow to text back.
Is it because theyre selfish and disrespectful or because theyre actually just slammed at work?
You cant know for sure until you venture deeper.
Yellow flags provide the perfect opportunity to practice clearcommunicationa lynchpin of any successful relationship.
They arepatterns, not one-offs.
Red flags are serious warning signs that appear repeatedly and often intensify despite discussion.
In these cases, protecting your wellbeing should take precedence over hopes for their improvement.
Below, some of those red flags to look out for.
Keep in mind that the list is not exhaustive.
Remember, yourintuitionmatters, says Dissanayake.
Persistent discomfort around someone is meaningful.
Pay special attention to how they speak about exes, notes Dissanayake.
Consistent vilification offormer partnerssuggests they avoid taking responsibility in relationships.
Thats normal, explains licensed marriage and family therapistLeanna Stockard.
How someone treats family members, friends, coworkers, and strangers offers insight into their character.
Watch how they treat waitstaff, baristas, and retail clerks, too.
Emotional manipulation usually involves using your feelings and vulnerabilities against you to gain control.
Emotional manipulation is very common in people with personality disorders likenarcissism, Giolitti-Wright adds.
The ability to regulate emotions is an essential component of emotional maturity and emotional intelligence.
Words and actions should align.
A healthy relationship is built on consistency, not confusion, says Giolitti-Wright.
If a partner says all the right things but their actions dont match, thats a warning sign.
Look for evidence of stable, nurturing connections in their life.
This may seem adventurous at first, but impulsivity can actually signify an inability to cope with uncomfortable feelings.
It often creates an environment where the partner views them as unpredictable or a wildcard.
Impulsiveness can be a sign that youre emotionally and even physically unsafe.
Dismissiveness often starts small.
Or worse, they deny that it even happened in the first place.
This isnt miscommunication, itsgaslighting.
If someone cares about you, they dont attempt to convince you your feelings arent real.
They take a stab at listen with curiosity and understand.
Jealousycan be a sabotaging behavior and a form of manipulation.
Furthermore, jealousy often escalates to other forms of emotional manipulation over time, like isolation.
Healthy partners encourage outside relationships and interests, notes Dissanayake.
Itscounterproductiveto establishing trust and stability in a relationship.
What to do if you see red flags in a relationship?
If you see a red flag, take it seriously.
One red flag is often an indication of more red flags, as unhealthy behaviors usually come hand-in-hand.
Red flags are a reflection of the person’s personality, says Giolitti-Wright.
Dont rush to explain them away or excuse concerning behaviors.
They rarely disappear on their own and ignoring red flags often leads to greater heartbreak later.
Instead, be open about your concerns.
Observe how your partner responds.
Are they dismissive or defensive?
Or do they listen, reflect, and take meaningful action?
The way they respond tells you everything about their ability to be in a healthy partnership, says Giolitti-Wright.
Can someone change red flag behavior?
Some red flag behaviors can change, but it depends on its nature and severity.
This takes full responsibility without avoidance and an active commitment to consistent improvement through concrete actions, says Dissanayake.
Its not your job tofix someone, says Giolitti-Wright.
At the end of the day, relationships should feel safe,supportive, and expansive.
