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Life was busier than ever as a parent of four small children living in Manhattan.
THE HUSTLE“It was like my body knew something that I didn’t,” Griffin writes. “It kept telling me to slow down.”Tied-up narcissus,2019, oil on canvas. Shannon Cartier Lucy.Vogue, March 2025.
But that was good, wasnt it?
It was advice Id taken to heart.
I dragged strollers out of the backs of taxis, sat in ballet classes, and juggled nap-time schedules.
RACING FORWARDThe Author, in 1986, at home in Texas. Courtesy of Amy Griffin.
I sourced Halloween costumes, elaborate Easter baskets, and thoughtful Christmas gifts.
Yet as life marched on, I felt my anxieties begin to calcify.
John would hold my hand, gauging my stress level by how sweaty my palm was.
FULL SPEED“Life was busier than ever as a parent of four small children living in Manhattan.” Amy Griffin, photographed in New York in 2020. Portrait: Pamela Hanson/Trunk Archive.
Instead, he pressed the palm of his hand down on my left shoulder.
you better be still, he said.
The receptionist stared at me, jaw agape, unable to understand why I was so distraught.
Out on the street, I couldnt catch my breath.
I hunched over, gasping, with my hands on my knees.
Once, John found me stretching on a yoga mat at home.
I like what I see here, he said playfully.You in those tight pants.
Oh, youre funny, I said.
He reached for my hands and fastened the strap around them.
He was being playful, but I felt my body tense.
As he began to pull the strap tighter, I felt the sudden, urgent need to escape.
I pulled my wrists from the strap.
Stop, I said.
I dont like it.
I could feel that I was in fight-or-flight, but I didnt want to embarrass him.
I left him standing in the room alone, still holding the strap, looking confused.
He came to find me a few minutes later.
Do you want to talk about what happened?
Its fine, I said.
Im not sure what that was.
I want to check that I didnt do something wrong, he said.
I would never want to make you uncomfortable.
No, you didnt do anything wrong, I said.
I just had to get out.
But Im not sure why.
We dropped the subject.
It was like my body knew something that I didnt.
When my daughter Grace was an infant, my back went out while I was walking down the hallway.
All in all, I was on crutches for over three months.
Once theyre all in kindergarten, youll be home free, he said.
It felt like he wasnt listening to me, but who was I to argue?
He wrote me a prescription for yet another antibiotic and sent me on my way.
As the years ticked forward, my body kept telling me to slow down, but I just couldnt.
I had two gears: fast and faster.
Swim, bike, run, repeat.
What if you dont complete the race?
But the thought had never crossed my mind.
Giving up was not an option.
I waited for a wave of euphoria that never came.
I woke up the next morning sunburned and dehydrated, aware only of an emptiness within me.
I needed a new mountain to climb.
I started small, making personal investments in founders of early-stage businesses, most of them female.
I made sure my team knew that they could reach me anytime, day or night.
Supporting female founders was a tangible way to empower women as they built businesses.
Yet more than that, the time spent focusing on others allowed me to avoid looking at myself.
With my kids growing up, it was nice to feel needed anew.
I had never tested my parents boundaries the way my kids seemed determined to test mine.
Yet at home, I was occasionally thrown by my own reactions to my childrens behavior.
I had never tested my parents boundaries the way my kids seemed determined to test mine.
This would have been a cardinal sin in my childhood home.
I stormed down the hall and flung his door open.
He had grown into a charismatic, confident young man, rational like his father.
You have to stop doing that, she said.
Where do you want him to be intimate with girlsthe park?
There had been no further discussion.
Thats just the way it was in West Texas.
She was wearing ripped jeans, which back home would have been considered disrespectful or provocative.
I know you werent allowed to wear them growing up, but its not the 80s anymore!
Its not a big deal.
Can you like just wear something else?
Gracies friends, gathered at the front door, looking at the ground, pretended not to listen.
But I knew they must have whispered about my ridiculous rules as soon as they got in the elevator.
One night, Gracie came to my bedroom.
Mom, have you talked to Gigi tonight?
She seems a little sad.
I dont know, she said.
It has something to do with you.
FULL SPEEDLife was busier than ever as a parent of four small children living in Manhattan.
Amy Griffin, photographed in New York in 2020.
Portrait: Pamela Hanson/Trunk Archive.
I went into her room and asked if everything was okay.
I suddenly felt as if I were on trial.
What do you mean?
I dont know, Gigi said.
I feel so disconnected from you.
After all that I do for you?
My life revolves around trying to keep you safe and taking care of you.
Mom, shes trying to tell you something, Gracie interjected.
She was 13 and reminded me of myself at that age: serious, driven, and focused.
We know you do everything for us.
But we dont feel like we know who you are, Gigi said.
Youre nice, but youre not real.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to have you as a mother?
You do everything perfectly.
You make everything look so easy.
How are we supposed to relate to you?
Perfect is not my goal, I said.
I dont know what perfect even means.
Yet I knew this wasnt true.
Perfect had always been my expectation for myself.
Perfection must look effortless.
Had I passed that on to my daughters?
The thought disturbed me.
Im just trying to be there for you, I said.
Youre here, but youre not here, Gigi cried.
Where are you, Mom?
What could I say?
I left the room, slamming the door behind me.
In our bedroom, John was reading the newspaper in his sweats and a T-shirt.
I dont know, I said.
Gigi accused me of not being present.
But everything I do I do for them.
How can she not see that?
I dont know what to do differently.
John took a long pause.
I know this is hard, but youre the adult.
I think youre the one whos going to have to do the work.
I threw my hands up and stomped into the bathroom.
I didnt know what that meant.
I wasnt sure what else to do.
So I kept running.
The Tell: A Memoir
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