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Theres an itinerant quality to Lucy Santes life and work.
photo: Jem Cohen
She attended Columbia University but left without a degree.
Shes also an active visual artist.
Its a story Sante felt compelled to tell so other stories can be told.
courtesy Lucy Sante
What does that mean?
What did it feel like to not just write the letter but to also hit send?
It felt like saying Here goes nothing and stepping out into thin air.
Lucy Sante as a young child
After your initial letter, you wrote a second one which came from a vastly different place.
So I was trying to talk myself back into the closet.
When/how did you realize this?
When was the first time you saw the name Lucy Sante?
What was that like for you?
I appeared as Lucy in a picture-caption typo in a small suburban New Jersey gazette when I was twelve.
It was a very hidden thrill, but a reverberating one.
My mother scratched out the Y in ballpoint.
Early in the book, you write Im a writer before Im anything else.
How did being a writer shape your transition?
Thats just how I operate.
But my book ended up being almost entirely about me.
You had an itinerant childhood and grew up in a devout family.
I was also ignorant of the world for far too long.
Was that the dominant feeling?
What else did you feel?
It clears up so many small mysteries, resolves so many long-term personality quandaries.
I can breathe fully now.
I have never felt so much myself, unapologetically.
As for femininity, I had previously worshiped it, and now I live there.
I just decreed that everything I did or thought would henceforth be feminine, because I was.
What kind of support did you receive from the Transgender community?
Speaking of Leor, I was quite moved by your description of what you learned from her.
Who is she and how did she become a mentor of sorts?
It was kind of a miracle, really.
She gave me courage, in addition to a lot of practical tips.
And I love the fact that my elder is 43 years younger than me.
Do you wish you had done it or could have done it sooner?
I dearly wish I could have transitioned in my teens, as early as possible.
Or at any time since.
But it would not have been possible before maybe a decade ago.
Do you still feel like you are building Lucy?
Or, is she, are you complete?
You write frequently about feelings of heaviness or unease.
My secret poisoned my entire experience of life and I was actively practicing hypocrisy.
What does life look like for you these days?
Im quite at ease in my body.
A couple pages later, you say I am the person I feared most of my life.
Do you feel any tension in holding these two truths simultaneously?
Theres no contradiction there.
I had to face the fear of being who I am before I could become who I am.
