At five oclock on the dot, my father poured vodka sodas for himself and my grandma.
From the couch, where I was laid out with my eyes clamped shut, I shouted, Dad!
I forced my eyes open only to roll them, my snarl brimming with teenage angst.
Photo: Holly Solem
But I was not a teen.
My actual teen years in Minneapolis were wild and doused in, well, vodka.
I was, she argued, much too young to be on my own.
Sandwiched between the dusty cases andFriendsparaphernalia, I wondered if Id died and gone to hell.
And so my second adolescence beganonly this time, I was actually living with my family.
So, needing to individuate, I dyed it pink.
Ketchup was a vegetable.
My grandmother spent her days in her room, watching Fox News and doomscrolling on Facebook.
I was breaking out too, as my skin detoxed after years of chemical abuse.
They would be my pets.
I began seeing a therapist and attending 12-step groups.
I didnt belonghereI was meant to be a star.
Surely, this was some kind of divine, cosmic error.
But eventuallyreluctantlyI began to look forward to our daily meals.
It was everything I never knew I needed to hear.
The outpouring of support was overwhelming, better than any attention Id received for being onstage or on TV.
Gran came to me after reading it in her recliner.
Mascara ran down her soft, powdered cheek as she told meshewas proud of me.
More than that, she was impressed.
You put your truth out into the world, she said.
And now no one can say anything about you.
Youve already said it.
You just gave yourself absolute freedom.
But really, I now realized, the stable, unwavering pulse of my family was enough andIwas enough.
Over the next six months, I gave in to my familys predictable, unconditional love.
I worked at the pizza restaurant, worked the steps, worked in therapy.
But I trusted Id be okay.
I felt new to the world, but the California breeze on my skin felt like freedom.
A few weeks later, my dad FaceTimed me from the hospital.
Grans health was failing.
While she still looked glamorous, it was the first time Id ever seen her without makeup.
I told her how grateful I was that fate had stuck us all together at my dads.
Then I told her I loved her for the last time.
Soon after, she was free too.
