you could always tell what stage youre at in the dating process, based on how anxious you feel.
According to my friendlets call her Ursulait usually peaks somewhere around date five.
Thats the insanity phase, she recently declared over a glass of chilled Chablis in the spring sunshine.
Photo: Getty Images
Because you know theres a connection, but youre not sure what it means yet.
Like, are you exclusive?
Or are you just dating?
Are you coming off the apps?
Or are you lining them up for 3 a.m. booty calls?
And whats the difference?
The trouble is that, at that point, its still too early to have the what are we?
You have to do it at the right time, otherwise you could risk ruining the whole thing.
I asked what happens until the right time comes.
Ursula sighed and, after taking a sizeable gulp of wine, replied: You just go quietly mad.
In the good old days, none of this ambiguity existed.
There was a time when dating was a straightforward process, one with clear checkboxes and benchmarks.
You meet, go on a few dates, and boom: mortgage, marriage, golden retriever.
Thats what my 82-year-old grandmother tells me every time I tell her Ive met someone, anyway.
So, youve got a boyfriend?
shell ask before getting confused when I reply that I do not.
But you have a man youre going on dates with?
Well, why isnt he your boyfriend?
Dating is in desperate need of some good PR right now.
Everywhere you look, there are single people in states of despairIm one of them.
But rarely do we talk about how dating trajectories have transformed.
And according toa new study, thats where weve been going wrong.
The way people date has radically changed in recent years.
Take the flirtationship stage, which the study defined as feeling those initial sparks of attraction with someone.
Maybe you slide into each others DMs from time to time, exchanging memes and flame emojis.
You might even hang out a few times.
Ive had about 10,000 flirtationships, says Milly*, 32.
Its constant Instagram DMs and flirty messages, which makes you think its on.
But then nothing ever really happens.
And you cant call it out because youll sound crazy.
The plan never materialized.
But hed still flirt with me over message or whenever I saw him all the time.
But the flirting continues.
Its not hard to see how this could drive you crazy.
And while the obvious explanation is a fear of commitment, Zohar believes its more complicated than that.
Its because most people havent developed the self-awareness to move beyond these kinds of relationships, she says.
The flirtationship stage feels exciting but low-stakes.
It gives us just enough connection to feel wanted, without the vulnerability that deeper intimacy demands.
That said, flirtationships can obviously progress to the second stage that Ursula and I discussed: relationship potential.
Its where self-abandonment kicks in, says Zohar.
People start performing and trying to be chosen instead of being authentic.
They think theyre playing it cool, but really theyre disconnecting from themselves to avoid rejection.
Getting to the third stage, the official relationship, is possibly the hardest progression of them all.
Forget about vulnerability; it feels juvenile to ask someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Hence why most people dont do it.
I tested this theory recently with a bunch of my married friends over dinner.
One said her partner just drunkenly called her his girlfriend and from then on, she was.
Another said her siblings just started using the term boyfriend, and eventually she did too.
And while one did ask, it was right after shed vomited in his hands.
I guess youre my girlfriend now, hed said while washing up.
Im not sure that counts.
Clinging to this narrative is part of whats keeping so many of us stuck.
Forming a committed relationship is not just about timing or interest, its about capacity, says Zohar.
Some of us just take longer to reach that capacity than others.
Youre out of the gray zone.
However long it took you to get there wont matter.
Were no longer rushing into relationships out of proximity or pressure.
Emotional health, compatibility, and communication are finally part of the dating conversation.
At least, thats what Ill tell myself when my next anxiety attack hits.
- Name has been changed.
