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But as Fenwick writes in the introduction: Etiquette is based on tradition, and yet it can change.
Her firstGoing Mentalguest was Amanda Knox, and after a hiatus, her show is back this Wednesday.
Below, the two break down some long-held rules surrounding the art ofamour.
On Dating
Vogue:Is sleeping together on a first date a no-no?
Illustration by Joana Avillez
Is this somebody who we hope we will see again?
How do we see sex?
But sometimes, why not?
It could be a fun adventure.
Kelly:I dont believe theres a hard, black-and-white rule.
I think as soon as you feel comfortable.
and I just dont believe in that.
How long should you wait before being intimate with your partner?
Did we just meet on an island somewhere and is this probably going to only stay on the island?
Or is this the beginning of a love story?
In other cultures, its much more intuitive.
Are you trying to put it off because thats your prize?
Are you using that as leverage in the relationship?
Which is fine, women do thatthats the world we live in.
Im into attachment theory and just knowing yourself and how to protect your own mental health.
What should you do if you receive an unsolicited nude?
Perel:The thing with sex is that the same gestures can be delightful or disgusting.
If you are into the person, then there is no red flag.
But if you arenotinto the person, you will think its gross.
Youll think:What the hell?
It translates to something like unavailable delivery, return to sender.
Kelly:Block?!
Is it over Instagram?
Is it over text message?
Over a dating app?
Im a pretty blunt person, I would just either block them or say, I dont want this.
What made you even think I wanted this?
The thing with sex is that the same gestures can be delightful or disgusting.
Esther Perel
How can you politely kick out a one-night stand?
Perel:I think Id say, I had a lovely time.
I will remember this fondly.
I hope you do, too.
Who knows where we will meet again?
Kelly:I have to hop on a work call.
I have to go meet my friend for coffee.
Is it ever okay to ask for your partners body count?
Perel:I mean, what is it youre asking?
Do you have an STD?
What exactly do you want to know when you ask for body count?
Do you wanna know that youre special?
The question yourenotasking is the answer I will give to the body count question.
So it becomes more about intimacy and getting to know your partner better versus a number.
Ive never seen a couple wanting more sex from talking about that.
But it is often one of the main things people docomplain about whats missing rather than create something.
One thing I have is acard game, which is a game of stories.
You play the stories.
A text message I fantasize about receiving isblank.
Kelly:I have definitely dated guys where I wanted to try new things.
Make it about your desires and needs versus what your partner or the relationship is lacking.
Eileen Kelly
How do you introduce equipment into the bedroom?
Say, Does that ever interest you?
I think that often, one talks more easily about sex when one talks about food.
Kelly:Most men, in my experience, are comfortable with this stuff.
You just have to ask, Hey, would you feel comfortable if we used a vibrator?
Or Would you use a vibrator on me?
Theres a way to inch into things.
How do you introduce a third partner into your relationship?
Perel:I could write a whole book on that question alone.
Theres a whole conversation to be had about non-monogamy.
I have a hard line: No threesomes when Im in a serious relationship.
I have been the third in relationships, and it never ends well.
I think that often, one talks more easily about sex when one talks about food.
Esther Perel
How soon is too soon to ask your partner if they want children?
Perel:Its all in the context.
Its all in the story.
If this is a fling, dont start talking about kids.
And then the conversation sometimes is, Would you want to be part of raising kids?
Dont go into magical thinking.
Kelly:Oh gosh.
I went on a blind date two nights ago.
I also think its just getting to know someone.
It doesnt necessarily mean Im saying, I want four kids withyou.
But what do you know about your friend that tells you what you should do?
Kelly:I absolutely would.
Am I good friends with this person?
But Im going to see to it I have hard proof that its actually happening.
Can you ever date someone who has dated a friend?
Perel:It depends.
How long was the relationship?
How did the relationship end?
Or did you leave that person because it just wasnt your fit, and therefore, its neutral territory?
Or that person was a real fill-in-the-blank and that would be a terrible thing for you to do?
I think the code of girl code has to be a little bit more elaborate.
Kelly:I think you could absolutely date someone your friend datedwith their permission.
But I think everyone has certain exes that are off-limits and respecting that is important.
Theyll think:Am I bad in bed?
Am I not pretty enough?
Did I say something stupid on our last date that turned him off?You have a conversation.
Thats my hard rule.
Eileen Kelly
Can you ever tell a friend you dont like their partner?
That person says, Why didnt you say?
Its not unwise to listen to our friends.
Can you give your friends unsolicited dating advice?
Perel:If youre like me, you do.
But Ill say, Can I tell you what I think?
Because you know, its not my place.
But at the same time, I cant just watch this.
I have two sons who are dating, so I have practiced thisits the mothers role.
I have to practice the unsolicited dating advice and the solicited!
Kelly:I think thats a part of friendship.
Youre kind of in it together, especially when youre single at the same time.
Sometimes, you need someone to hold a mirror up to you.
I mean, I know best, so they should listen to mejust kidding!
On Uncoupling
Is there a polite way to break up with your partner?
Thats a short answer to a big question.
Kelly:In person, and giving them the reason why.
Theyll think:Am I bad in bed?
Am I not pretty enough?
Did I say something stupid on our last date that turned him off?You have a conversation.
Thats my hard rule.
Esther Perel
How do you define conscious uncoupling?
Uncoupling is a loss.
Its dreams that won’t materialize.
Its very different than if, lets say, youve never lived together or youre not tied together financially.
I think that its easier to consciously uncouple if you have a reason to stay in each others lives.
How much time should you spend with your ex after uncoupling?
How much have they closed that chapter?
The right balance is like how much you should eat.
Depends a little bit on how you digest, or how hungry you are, no?
I go back to the food metaphor because its so concrete.
Can you be friends with an ex?
And are you jealous?
Are you not jealous?
Do you feel possessive?
Do you not feel possessive?
