But as Fenwick writes in the introduction: Etiquette is based on tradition, and yet it can change.
Suns out, schools outtis the season of the summer house!
But assuming either roleof the inviter or the invitedwith grace isnt so straightforward.
In this edition of Oh, Behave!
we have Fran Lebowitz, who spoke toVogueabout the very same issue back in 1991.
Their thoughts on the art of hosting and being a house guest are below.
On Being a House Guest
How do you decide which invitations to accept?
Lebowitz:Well, it has to, of course, be a place better than my apartment.
Because otherwise, why am I getting in the car?
Santo Domingo:I have to say, I hate to be a house guest.
I absolutely hate it.
How do you do the recon to find out how someone lives?
Lebowitz:Truthfully, I don’t stay with people I don’t know very well.
I just don’t.
It has to, of course, be a place better than my apartment.
Because otherwise, why am I getting in the car?
- Fran Lebowitz on accepting invitations
How often are you someones houseguest?
Lebowitz:I have a lot of friends with houses.
In fact, I would say most of my friends have houses.
This is something I never had myself.
I never bought a house.
I never have regretted it.
Should you bring a hostess gift?
If so, whats your go-to?
Lebowitz:The gift of gab.
But if there are children in the house, I bring them candy.
I don’t know if it exists anymore, but it’s called Hubba Bubba gum by the yard.
I used to bring this to children.
They never forget it.
There are people in their 40s now who remember I brought this.
Even though their parents don’t, not really.
Santo Domingo:I am not a hostess gift person.
I rarely give nor expect one.
Its sometimes nice to receive, but I get embarrassed by overly generous displays of affection or gratitude.
I’ve had people give me Loro Piana blankets, and I get very uncomfortable.
I also just find a whole display of gift opening uncomfortabledo I open it in front of you?
Do I wait to read the note?
Do I read the note aloud?
Do I hug you?
Do I kiss you?
Do I send a thank-you note?
Should you help your hostess with cleaning?
Strip the sheets off the bed?
Lebowitz:Well, it depends.
People who have a lot of help in the house: No, I don’t do that.
Someone recently told me they were shocked that someone did that in their house.
It’s better to find out how the household is run.
You help, you pitch in; you take care of yourself.
My mother always said: You should leave a room looking better than when you arrived.
Do you have to make nice with children who are at the house?
Or can you ignore them?
Lebowitz:I like children.
I know this is shocking to people, but I really like children.
And I like all my friend’s children.
In fact, there are many of my friend’s children I prefer to my friends.
Santo Domingo:I think it’s important that children know how to say hello and greet their guests.
I think the hosts can figure out pretty quickly which one it is.
after you snag been treated badly as a guest, you know how to be a good hostess.
- Lauren Santo Domingo
What is your house-guest philosophy?
Santo Domingo:It takes a long time to learn how to be a good house guest.
after you grab been treated badly as a guest, you know how to be a good hostess.
Should you provide your host with your exact arrival and departure times?
Lebowitz:I never thought about it.
I mean, you’re usually invited for some specific period of time.
What would you consider a house guest faux pas?
Santo Domingo:I can’t even think of a house guest faux pas.
What would you consider a hostess faux-pas?
On House Rules
Should a hostess communicate any house rules?
If so, how?
I don’t believe we have any house rules that I can think of.
Should I have house rules?
What did Fran say about house rules?
I am not afraid of any subject at all, except this one scares me.
- Lauren Santo Domingo on asking guests to remove their shoes.
Do you think that people can ask guests to remove their shoes when they get somewhere?
Lebowitz:They could ask them to, but truthfully, it’s ridiculous.
Plus, at the beach, very often, there’s sand on the floor.
Santo Domingo:I am not afraid of any subject at all, except this one scares me.
I said something inNew Yorkmagazine once, and it got very heated.
But I allow people to wear shoes.
If youre a couple, can you be intimate with your partner during your stay?
Santo Domingo:Absolutely!
As a hostess, I never open any door that is closed.
Do you have to wake up early to have breakfast together?
Santo Domingo:you’re able to absolutely sleep in as a houseguestand at my house, absolutely.
I think by the time you’re my age, you find your people.
Our guests and I are likely to be having a much later dinner than we are an early breakfast.
Im in a robe.
Im not a pajama-wearer.
- Fran Lebowitz on wearing pajamas in front of her host.
As a house guest, can you walk around in your pajamas?
Lebowitz:I’m in a robe.
I’m not a pajama-wearer.
If I don’t know them that well, I wouldn’t stay at their house.
It’s really about making your guests feel comfortable.
It’s also fun to have breakfast in your pajamas with your friends.
It’s not something that you get to do otherwise, you know?
Can you smoke at someone’s house that you’re staying at?
Lebowitz:Yes, if I was staying there.
Santo Domingo:I allow people to smoke in the house.
Can you get very drunk?
Should you abstain from drinking?
Santo Domingo:I am usually inviting people specifically for that reason!
And if you do get too drunk, it should be a secret kept with us.
If you are staying at a house with staff, should you leave a tip?
If there is a single European in the house or a South American, then you absolutely tip.
Can you change the air conditioning/the climate at someone’s house?
Or do you think that’s out of bounds?
Lebowitz:I mean, if it’s in your room, you’ve got the option to.
you’re able to’t really say to people, you know, Your house is uncomfortable.
If I knew someone didn’t have AC in the house, I wouldn’t go.
Now you’re in need of air conditioning everywhere.
I know it’s bad for the environment, but it’s good for Fran.
I love air conditioning.
It’s my favorite invention.
On Food
How do you handle dietary restrictions of your guests?
Are you asking for them or are you expecting just to be told?
Santo Domingo:I think there’s a difference between a food aversion and a food allergy.
If one travels with an EpiPen, thats a food allergy.
If there’s an allergy, I hope someone would tell me so that I don’t kill them.
I feel like I know my friends who that are vegetarian, who eat kosher.
What should you do if your host isnt feeding you enough?
On Being a Hostess
What is your hostessing philosophy?
How I was taught to be a house guest is now how I behave as a hostess.
My training as a good house guest has made me possibly a bad hostess.
So maybe I need the next 40 years to become a better host.
What’s the best hostess gift you’ve ever received?
I think the best gift is to bring whatever you better make your stay more comfortable.
Should you make a full itinerary to entertain your guests during their stay?
Lebowitz:It depends, it really depends.
I knew the way that they ran those houses.
You know, sometimes you knew they would always have you go to lunch.
You had to get there at lunch.
Santo Domingo:I have very strong opinions about this.
Oh, you know: Ivan Pol is in the guest house to do facials.
And in the afternoon, Maria Sharapova will be there to hit tennis balls with you.
Then, we have an impromptu TED talk with Bill Gates and Ryan Gosling after lunch.
But that’s not happening at my house.
We’re a normal family, and we’ll be doing normal family activities.
Should you give your guests any toiletries?
I suppose my house guests are too polite to partake in any of these brand-new creams in boxes.
Can you make plans that don’t involve your house guest?
We have house guests.
How long is too long of a stay for your house guests?
Lebowitz:Is the fish proverb true?
A fish and visitor stink after three days?
Three days is usually long enough.
It could be a little longer.
It depends on how much I’m enjoying myself and how much they are enjoying me.
And I know theyre enjoying me because they invite me again.
Santo Domingo:I think it depends on how big of a footprint you leave.
The bigger the footprint, the shorter the stay.
How do you handle guests who ask to bring their pets?
I would much rather have it in the house.
Can you ask your guests for help around the house?
Santo Domingo:When I’m in my house and someone offers to help, I will say no.
Everyone should be able to enjoy themselves and not have to scrub dishes at the end of a meal.
I will be very specific with what I need help with.
