Ive spent a lot of time asking myself why I like sex so much.
My date (and sex) with someone who wasnt my partner of six years was really quite mind-altering.
A whole new dimension seemed like it was opening up in front of me.
“When my partner and I decided to have anopen marriagefour years ago, I found it hard to admit that a large part of my love for sex was to do with my ego.”
Hed obviously had a mind-altering experience too.
I couldnt really believe it.
This isnt what the books had told me this would feel like.
It felt ugly to admit it to myself, but I was jealous, insecure.
Neediness is next to ickiness.
I was still texting the guy Id slept with on Monday.
We planned to meet the following Monday, and that felt great.
Another me was setting up dates with people, feeling desired in all these ways Id forgotten about.
There were a few moments in those weeks proceeding where I felt almost like I was losing my mind.
Should I read his messages?
(I wouldnever!)
Why is he in the other room for so long?
Did he always spend this much time on his evening skin care routine?
You dont walk away from good love, and you dont find it in a night.
It was a question as simple as: But am I hot?
Am I the best youve ever had?
I felt uncomfortable losing the position as the person he hadcommitted to desiringthe most in his life.
I wanted him to say that Im the most attractive person ever, that Im the best sex ever.
But life isnt arom-com, and he didnt.
Its relative, contextual.
And really all the sex we have folds in on itself to make a sexual life.
They inform and shape your tastes and you theirs.
And in the end, thats better.
Its what I want.
And it feels more alive to the reality of how sex with multiple people should be.
It seems fair to other people we sleep with too.
And in some senses, its freeing to release yourself of the pressure to be someones number one.
Not always (Im only human), but most of the time.
