The age-gap-in-relationships debate is one that Ive seen divide dinner tables of beautiful left-wing sex-positive smokers.
Apologies to Progress, but older men still desired those things.)
This spring we saw a well-known 21-year-old cavorting on the beach with a man 43 years her senior.Sigh.
Perhaps we’re so fascinated by age-gap in relationships because it’s easy to assume that there will be greater exploitation.
Same as it ever was.
Is a relationship that became a blissful 45-year marriage justifiable when it began so off-balance?
Setting aside that specific case, its a question thats split my own morals into tiny fragments.
But the thing that divides, creates disaster, and inspires judgment is not simply the difference in number.
Its the difference in power.
Now theres a general rule thatssupposedto answer this question for us.
Desire, attraction, and nourishment are not the same as basic math.
When I was 17, I had ashort relationshipwith a man in his 60s.
That, interestingly, was a choice we both made.
Or the projection of others?
For many people this is attractive and a starting dynamic for many relationships where there isnt an age gap.
When I dated older men, I derived a certain satisfaction from their desire for me.
And should it have to be?
Were attracted to power in its various forms, and what is powerful to different people varies radically.
Power is constantly shape-shifting; perhaps its how we wield it that speaks to the suitability of a relationship.
But there are examples where relationships built on imbalanced power differentials do work.
To assume all age-gap relationships are always based on a kind of top-down exploitation removes agency.
Many years of blissful marriage arent rendered meaningless by complicated beginnings.
Was it possible for me to fully consent to a relationship with someone triple my age?
When put like that, it doesnt sound like it.
I liked our sex; so did he.
Im sure I also exploited my powers at times in these relationships too.
But this mistreatment was not overwhelmingly a feature of my relationships with older men.
