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Few things are more upsetting than trying to communicate with a partner who shuts down during an argument.
Photo: Thierry Lebraly / Gallery Stock
No matter what you say or do, it feels like you cant reach them.
Theyve completely checked outleaving you feeling helpless and rejected in return.
So detrimental, in fact, that experts say it may bea signthat a relationship wont last.
Persistent stonewalling gradually erodes trust and safety in a relationship, explains psychotherapistKathryn Kupillas.
After all, the ability to move throughconflicteffectively is an essential skill for any relationship to grow and thrive.
But what exactly is stonewalling in a relationship, and what causes a person to do it?
Is it possible for this behavior to change?
And, most importantly, what can be done to fix it?
Read on to find out.
What is stonewalling in a relationship?
Simply put, stonewalling is when one partner in a relationship ices the other person out.
Most forms of stonewalling are unintentional, explains Kupillas.
The person shutting down is not fully aware of the reactive and dysregulated state they are in.
It is a response to feeling overwhelmed, explains licensed marriage and family therapistAurisha Smolarski.
To make matters worse, the stonewaller may feel ashamed of their behaviorwhich may cause them to withdraw further.
Unfortunately, stonewalling is pretty common, especiallyamong men.
But anyone who is conflict-averse or has an avoidantattachment stylemight engage in stonewalling.
Stonewalling becomes emotional abuse when its coming from an intentional place of punishment, Kupillas says.
Its an unhealthy form of conflict resolution that can cause long-lasting emotional damage, says psychotherapistAmber Robinson.
Couples who engage in stonewalling generally report a lack of intimacy on both sides.
And its not just the partner on the receiving end who suffers.
Stonewalling is incredibly difficult for the one who is expressing it, says therapist and epigenetics expertJohanna Lynn.
Stonewallers often experience increased physical stress, emotional disconnection, and a growing accumulation of unresolved issues and resentment.
In other words, stonewalling in a relationship leads to disconnection on all sides and the partnership becomes untenable.
Without vulnerability and emotional intimacy, connection is blocked and true intimacy cannot be built, Kupillas says.
However, fixing the issue may require more than simply learning better communication strategies.
They must also be willing to learn and practice new ways of coping with dysregulation and distress.
To that end, experts say that trauma therapy andsomatic therapycan be game-changers for someone who stonewalls.
Generally, partners who shut down have partners who are expressive, Eisenberg explains.
As in all successful relationships, the key is to work as a team.
Both people must approach each other and themselves with compassion.
Often, when stonewalling occurs, both partners are not being their best selves.
Below, she offers strategies for doing just that.
Ultimately, the benefits of addressing and ending stonewalling can go far beyond bettercommunication.
The goal is true reconnectionand that takes more awareness of our unhealthy patterns overall.
