It started around Labor Day.
Grainy, zoomed-in videos of Coco Gauff sprinting around the Arthur Ashe Stadium.
Photos of caviar-smothered chicken nuggets, eaten with the nonchalance of a ham and cheese Lunchable.
Illustration by Clare Mallison
TikToksso many TikToksof women in white mini-dresses and Golden Goose sneakers.
To the US Open.
(#foryou.)
The annual Grand Slam tennis tournament has taken place in Queens every September since 1968.
This year, however, the events reach has hit a fever pitch.
Part of it is thanks to the tournament averaging a record 75,000 attendees per day.
Everyone, it seems, is at the US Open this week.
I havent received onesingularinvitation.
Cue the worlds tiniest violin.
(I dont have a but here.
But then I decide I dont have the energy to do all that, and become deeply snarky instead.
I wrote this sitting alone on my couch next to a soggy bowl of unfinished Sweetgreen.
So if they sound like the delusional rantings of a jealous madwoman, its because they absolutely are.
Will tell anyone who listens that Restoration Hardware Cloud Couch was a splurge, butsoooworth it.
Brat Summer never made it onto your TikTok algorithm but Demure Fall sure did.
Your darkest secret is that its lab-grown.
you’ve got the option to trace back all your insecurities to getting waitlisted at Dartmouth.
*
You attend amfAR Cannes every year and actually pay for your table.
Once, your friends friend brought a former Victorias Secret model along.
By the third, you cant taste anything at all.
Theres a rally going on between two top-ranked players.
But you arent watching.
Instead, you just write and delete Instagram story captions on repeat.
Each feels lamer than the next:Deuces at Deuce.
Double (Shot) Fault.
Challengers Coded.You pause.Melons?More like Melon-choly!Then, all alone, you burst out laughing.
Someone taps your shoulder and you jolt up.
Excuse meare these seats taken?
You hear clinking when she talks.
Maybe its her many Cartier bracelets, casually stacked like bangles from Claires.
Noall yours, you respond, waving her in.
She sits down and soon enough, her iPhone and honey deuce are both in the air.
Excuse me you tentatively ask.
Do you want to do a photo of us cheers-ing?
She looks at you with a blank stare.
You start to panic.
Ive already thought of the captionWere only here for the honey deuces.And Ill tag you.
After what feels like forever, she smiles.
Youre a celebrity, celebrity-adjacent, or celebrity-adjacent-adjacent.
(They let Kylie Jenner bring a big entourage this year.)
Its an Uber XL.
During the first set, you make small talk about how Morgan has a great balance sheet.
Youre on first-name terms with Serena Williams.
A street-style picture of you went viral after fashion Instagram posted it at the height of stealth wealth.
However you wouldnt know, because you dont have social media.
You sit next to someone famous and pretend like they arent.
This secretly annoys them, but they appreciate you not asking for a photo.
You spent all that money on your watch, but still use your iPhone to check the time.
Youre wearing a sweater polo that you bought yesterday, especially for the occasion.
If anyone asks, its vintage.
*This one is semi-autobiographical.
kindly dont be mad at me Ralph Lauren.
