For most of my life I preferred stewing to facingconfrontationhead on.
Something about saying forever really allowed me to feel comfortable letting it rip.
If someone cancelled plans?
Re-watching a classicSex and the Cityepisode, I couldn’t help but wonder: Was authentic conflict missing from modern friendships?
For the tenth time in a row and last minute?
You got it girl!
Did she say something slightly uncouth?
I didnt hear anything.
(This is not to say that I am a perfect friend.
Then one afternoon I was rewatching old episodes ofSex in the Cityand my thoughts about friendship conflict changed.
But ultimately the girls end up closer than before.Does conflict foster intimacy?
I literally couldnt help but wonder, was authentic conflict missing from modern friendships?
Bokyung Kim, a New York based therapist, says that avoiding conflict in friendship is commonplace.
The next time I noticed myself swallowing a feeling, Id venture to communicate, I told myself.
The first confrontation was simple, more of asking for help in lieu of silently suffering.
A friend and I had an upcoming dinner, but hadnt secured a reservation.
Just let me know where you decide.
Anytime after five works for me, she texted.
Could I have technically figured it out?
Yes, and my instinct was to add make reservation to the list.
But instead of being frustrated by her inability to read my mind, I texted back: Im swamped.
Can you make a reservation?
I waited, holding my breath.
she responded in seconds.
I had to admit, it felt nice to be taken care of.
Jennifer Cox encourages those she advises to consider the full picture.
Is this issue coming up a lot in the friendship, or is it a one-off?
Use I feel statements, and dont get caught up in whos right and wrong.
The objective isnt point-scoring, its about building better relationships.
My second confrontation had been brewing for years.
Cox encourages those she advises to consider the full picture.
Is this issue coming up a lot in the friendship, she says, or is it a one-off?
This wasnt a one off.
It was a hurt woven through adecades-long friendship.
She taught me about pegging (preBroad City!
), introduced me to Saint Vincent, and bought me my first kombucha.
For some reason, she took my tacky suburban self under her seemingly hip wing.
We both had kids so traveling became trickier.
Over the past handful of years wed grown distant in proximity and emotion.
I was crushed and confused.
This was one of my first friends in a new city during a transformational time.
Even though Id felt shut out for years, I held on.
Life was hard after all!
COVID happened after all!
You cant throw people out like trash, I decided!
This emotional breadcrumbing continued, until I confronted her this past summer.
I crafted a message telling her how hurt I was and asking for better.
For the first time in years, she responded within minutes.
She was remorseful, and said she would call next week to catch up.
This confrontation thing had succeeded again, I thought.
It has been months, and she has yet to call, or text.
While this behavior isnt new, I feel differently about it.
I had let my feelings and needs be known, and the message had been received.
Looking back I can see our relationship over the past few years hadnt even been a friendship.
It was me chasing a ghost of what-had-been.
